Friday, June 18, 2010

Lawn care

I bought a lawnmower and cut my grass yesterday.

I felt pretty manly.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Group picture!

So, I'm sure anyone reading this has read "The 20 Male Poses of Facebook" over at 2b1b. If not, do so. It's hilarious. Currently I'm rocking the "I love my girlfriend (wife) Shot". Well I shut up.

Anyway, I can't help but talk about another ridiculous trend that seems to have started because everyone and their mother has a digital camera and a Facebook account now. It's a pose that's been plaguing the pages of Facebook photo albums for years now: The Sorority Squat.


Alright, you look like idiot hookers. Amirite or Amirite? I mean, I ALMOST get it when there are two rows of people in a group picture. When you're in an open area with a wide open back ground, though, you're an idiot if you're in this pose. It just doesn't make sense. Look at the first three pictures above again. Why in the world would you squat for any of these pictures? I especially like the picture with the guy standing upright and the girls all squating. Just further proof that this is XX chromosome specific.

I'd say it's probably 98% femailes who partake in this pose. I can't imagine watching a butch of Rugby playing dudes lean in and squish their man boobs together for a group picture. I mean, that's all you ladies are doing, right? It's a sad attempt to show off your boobs. I'm not going to be convinced otherwise, so don't even try. Also, if you're wearing a skirt and squating, you know what is going to show. Stop being slooty.

There are other types of group pictures that seem retarded to me too. Why the hell do people feel the need to take a group picture every time they're all in the same place anyway? I don't exactly get the whole idea of saying, "Alright! Everyone get together so we can get a group picture on this sidewalk!" "YEAH THIS WILL BE AWESOME!" "BE SURE TO TAG EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK LATER!" "OMG I MADE A FUNNY FACE LET ME SEE!" "MAN I LOOK SO DUMB, HAHAHA!"

Tell me you can look at that picture and not see the above dialogue taking place. This picture pretty much has every typical person in every typical pose ever overused for Facebook/Myspace.

From Left to Right:
-Teeny Bopper chick throwing a gang sign: check
-Angry guy shooting the finger: check
-Normal smiling person: check
-Guy looking off into the distance like he wasn't prepared for the picture: check
-Girl with face that says, "HEY, PICTURE!": check
-Tongue out & peace signs: double check
-Mr. Serious Face: check
-Thumbs up for a good time: check

Anyone want to bet that 2-3 years ago all these kids were saying they were "straight edge" (XXX 'TIL DEATH!!!!) and now they all smoke, drink, do each other on a nightly basis? Sheep.

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is...nothing really. Group pictures used to feel much more...needed...before the whole digital camera/facebook picture craze, though.

I can only think of a few times when it is necessary to take a group picture. They are as follows:

Sports team pic:

Family Reunion:

By the way, how awesomely patriotic is this family? USA! USA! USA! Also got to give a shout out to the couple wearing photo print t-shirts in the back center. High fives all around.

Wedding group picture:

There are others of course. But I just really think the over use of the group picture is getting a little out of hand. So, stop squating, leaning in, and throwing up gang signs. Stand up straight and look like normal members of society.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about my favorite group picture of them all...

The Corgi Group Picture:

Can't beat that. Not now. Not ever.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Oh yeah, it's that time of year. The time of year where government agencies decide it's too warm for the heat, but not warm enough for the AC. Well, that is, unless you work where I work and the regulation states, "There will be a 45 day period between the time in which the heat is turned off for the season and the Air Conditioning is turn on." Yup.

However, if you're even more special, and you're me (of course) you'll end up working in a building that was erected (hehe) during WW2 that uses radiator heating. Someone decided that the highest setting wasn't high enough on the radiator at the main entrance of the building, so they decided to

...kick it up a notch.....


and ended up breaking the damn radiator. So now, the radiator is broken on full blast and constantly puts out heat of about 95 degrees. Not only is it constantly putting out heat, but it also is emitting an open spark which could potentially burn this 80 year old building (coated in lead paint and filled to the rafters with asbestos) to the ground in a matter of minutes. With the amount of smokers who work here, and decide that rules don't apply to them, that spark is within 15 feet of an open flame 3-5 times a day at least....comforting.

I can't help but bitch (mostly because of the heat) about the huge double standard that is going on in offices across this nation. Men get screwed during the Spring/Summer months by not be allowed to dress comfortably.

Exhibit A:

Look at the lady first. She looks wonderful. So elegant. So comfortable. Her hair is even blowing in a slight breeze. Her skirt is short enough to let in a breeze once in a while to keep things cool and her sleeves are of equal comfy length. Looking at her, you could almost place her in any setting. She could go anywhere while wearing something like that and no one would care.

Now, look at the guy. His life sucks. He is wearing a button up shirt, most likely with some form of an undershirt to prevent the sweat pond from forming around his sweat zones and then onto his dress shirt. He is wearing PANTS and I'm sure there are dress socks pulled up as high as they'll go to be sure he doesn't look like a slob. He is blazing hot and the most comforting thing he can do is roll up his sleeves and maybe undo one button. More times than not, he is probably also wearing a tie but it was probably "casual" Friday for him. THIS IS NOT CASUAL.

If a girl can wear this.... work, I should be able to wear this...

...only, you know, a lot less queer.

Thank you.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Shit face.

I had a meet and greet this morning with all the new people arriving to my organiztion from the past couple months. Why do these have to be so painful? First off, I HATE office humor. Not like humor that is from "The Office", but when people at the office try to make jokes relating to the office. Ugh with ugh flavored sprinkles on top. I also have the worst fake laugh in the history of mankind. I've been told I laugh at everything and that's because I really do have an extremely broad sense of humor. However, when unfunny people TRY to be funny, it just doesn't work and I have no desire to entertain you with a sympathy laugh. Usually I'll come with something that sounds a little like, "haaeeeaaaahhh". Yeah, like that.

Anyway, moving on. I had to listen to people say things like, "Welcome to my palace!" as I walked up to the building that was sort of ridiculously big. I get inside to the conference room we're sitting in and there is Dunkin Donuts galore. My boss bought everyone like 3 tubs of coffee, 4 boxes of donuts, and box of 100 munchkins. My boss is pretty awesome, so I'll give her that. My co-workers though, are not awesome. They ran for those treats like pigs going for slop. THEN this one lady, who is way too old to know better and probably hasn't seen her feet this decade, kept getting up in the middle of our boss talking to us to get more donuts! What is wrong with people? She then proceeded to put 4-5 munchkins (donut holes) into her coffee and let them soak for like 5 minutes. When she took a bite, ALL I could do was sit there with my mouth wide open like when someone tells you that a bird shit on their head. Good God.

I basically just sat there and watched this lady for the rest of the meeting. I realized something interesting about her as she was sitting there trying to act like she was taking notes on what was being said. I know she was pretending, because no word has 3000 letter Os in it. Anyway, this lady has what I like to call a shit face. You know that face that people make in movies when they're taking a crap? Basically close one eye, scrunch your nose up really tight, and say, "Arrrrrgh" and you've got it nailed. The only thing different, is that's just her face. She will always look like that. Even when she dies, people will probably say, "Is she crapping in her casket?" It's awful. It is definitely one of those faces that you just can't help but stare at though, you know? Later, about an hour of me watching her from across the room, she started to twitch her face around like there was a small animal trapped under her skin trying to get out.

I forced myself to doodle ways to kill myself for the remained of the meeting to keep occupied. The guy who is my mentor saw my doodles and was like, "Um...what are you drawing?" I told him and he just laughed at me, so that's good. He is still probably wondering if I'm suicidal. Too many more meetings like that and I might possibly become so.

Monday, April 6, 2009

People suck in hotels.

Living in a hotel for that last 3 months has taught me something; people forget how to act in public places.

Remember how when you were younger and you'd go on vacation somewhere and you'd act like a complete moron because you're in a foreign environment? You would be loud and obnoxious and just have a good time because it didn't really matter if you messed something up? A lot of people do not grow out of this stage. It's one thing if you're at a beach house or other secluded housing deal, but when you're in a hotel, act as if everyone can hear what you're doing....because they can.

I swear to you I loathe the coming of every weekend in this hotel because I know, being in Orlando, that means people will be coming down for weekend trips, conventions, sporting events, and other Florida shenanigans. That would typically be fine, but that means 40 - 50 people under the age of 20 will most likely be in the hotel running up and down the halls, yelling to one another from 10 feet away (right beside my door), and leaving their shit all over the place. It wouldn't be so bad if their parents would actually act like parents and say, "Hey dip shit stop acting like a freaking dog off his leash for the first time ever and act like you have some manners." If I'd acted like half of these kids when I was growing up my parents would have made me sit in their hotel room and watched the History Channel or something. Honestly.

It's almost as if these "parents" (I use quotations here because I honestly don't believe they've begun parenting their children yet) think they've earned the right to not have to pay attention to their kids while they're on vacation. I've had to poke my head out of my hotel room door several times and tell people to keep it down at like 11 pm. I don't care if it's a Friday or Saturday night. I don't want to listen to your conversation about the details of your entire weekend.

It's funny when you ask people to keep it down and the adults glare at you like you just told them that you're going to poop on their heads. I think they're just embarassed about their parenting skills, so much so, that when you call them out on it, they don't know what to do so they just become mad at you instead of their awfully mannered kids.

When there is an actual parent that shows up with their children and they actually have taught them how to act in public, I almost feel like they're being too strict with their children. I guess I'm just so used to watching these little ass holes run all over the place that it freaks me out a little when I see a parent grab their child's arm and say something like, "Hey, cut it out!" Thank God some people still have some sense.

Moral of the story? Don't have kids if you're a lazy idiot. Thanks.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Lately I've been flying a lot. Like at least 1 round trip flight every other week or so. It's madness. I don't get nervous of flying, even though I hadn't really flow before a couple years ago when I went to Panama (country) for spring break. That was a pretty decent flight though because I knew I wouldn't be sitting beside anyone I didn't know because me and 2 of my roommates got our seats beside each other. However, now, everytime I fly, I feel as though I'm planning a lottery where no one ever wins.

The way I see it, these are my top 10 worst possible scenarios that can play out when you're flying solo and you're going to end up sitting beside people you don't know.

1. the way too friendly wants to talk about everything type. This one actually isn't all that bad if the flight is short and they don't have bad breath. However, God forbid your flight be any longer than an hour and a half. By the end of the flight you'll know the names of everyone in their family, what they do for a living, why they're flying that day, the amount of times they've flown, how many different places they've flown, and they'll expect you to share all that information back to them.

2. we have the I'm foreign and can't understand anything you're saying neighbor. Come on, you sat there and listened to the flight attendant give you instructions and even responded when she asked you to put your seat up and you're going to act like you don't know what I'm saying when I ask you to just move your foot over a little bit? Another thing, American's don't like to be touched. It's just the way we are. Stopping leaning up against me when you go to adjust your ass position because I don't appreciate it. Stop invading my zone before my fist invades your face. Yeah.

3. the parent with too many children. I understand that you have your hands full, but seriously, do everyone a favor and drive next time. Your kids are annoying. They're loud, they kick the back of peoples' seats and if I have to hear you say to little Timmy one more time, "I'm going to pop you if you don't sit down and be a good boy" I might just pop you. Teach your kids how to be respectful members of society before booking a flight. If you know that they can't handle sitting still for more then 2-3 hours, don't fly.

4. the child of the parent with too many children. Sure they're cute for about 5 minutes. Then they start asking you questions that you aren't comfortable answering because you don't know the family and accidently kicking you and pointing at stuff you don't care about. Someone get this kid some liquor please. Thanks.

5. the FAT GUY. Oh my God. You know what, if I'm so big that I can barely squeeze my ass in between the arm rests of a coach seat, I'm probably going to step up and by a first class seat. I know it might more expensive, but hey at least you'll get free snacks and stuff. This guy completely takes the option of getting the arm rest out of the equation because you're going to be hugging yourself for the next couple hours. That's right, I love me...I love me.

6. the smelly guy. Did you take a shower this morning? yesterday? this week? month? What the f*ck dude. I'm not going to lie, there are days where I decide, screw it, I haven't done anything all day today so I'm not going to shower, I'll just take one as soon as I get up tomorrow. The day that I'm about to be packed into a small area with 100-200 other people and not be able to get away from anything that smells will not be the day I choose to do this. Another thing, chew some gum. When you fall asleep and you start doing that head leaned over with an open mouth and breathing on my shoulder thing, it makes me want to vomit. My shoulder doesn't act as a shield to your horrendous breath, instead it becomes a perfect deflector that deflects what appears to be onions, ketchup, fish, and polo sport(?) straight into my face. The gum will not only freshen your breath, but it'll keep your ears from clogging when we take off and land.

7. The cutesy couple who can't be apart for more then 10 seconds. This usually only happens when there are 3 seats on each side of the place. You'll usually get the window seat in this situation so you can't lean away from the couple that makes you want kill yourself. Sure they'll start out with just a hand hold. But then that turns into an arm over the shoulder, and then a light kiss on the neck or cheek, and then it's on. Please stop, the lady with 4 kids is having a hard enough time controlling her off spring and I don't want her to have to explain why your kissing each other everywhere and your hand is between her legs.

8. The business guy. This dude isn't so bad I guess. They usually have flown enough to know all the different types and they probably realize that they're this type themselves. They don't want to talk to you anymore than, "Excuse me." The only thing about this type is that they have to be on their laptop as soon as the it's ok to use electronics announcement comes on. Take a break, dude, watch 3 Ninjas with me and try to relax.

9. The lady with the dog. I've actually only seen this happen once. Once was enough. Yes your dog is pretty cute. Yes I like dogs. No if you want to take him out for a minute that is fine with me. Okay your dog is shitting on the floor and now it stinks. Also, are you two wearing the same patterned jacket? Wow, that's dedication.

10. The really really really really really really old person. Look, I like old people as much as the next guy but for real? Your family sucks if they're making you fly across the country so that you can come see them. I swear, if I make it to be like 85 I will not leave my house. I'm going to be a complete shut in and I will make people come see me. I'll probably have seen enough of the world by then to know that I don't really like the vast majority of the people on this planet and why would I want to be stuck on a plane for 2-3 hours with any of the above mentioned people.

I've yet to sit beside someone who doesn't fall into one of the above mentioned categories. I'm flying out tonight though and hopefully I'll get to sit beside the one other normal person on the plane who just wants to get from point A to point B with as few interactions as possible.

Thanks, and enjoy your flight.