Friday, June 18, 2010

Lawn care

I bought a lawnmower and cut my grass yesterday.

I felt pretty manly.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Group picture!

So, I'm sure anyone reading this has read "The 20 Male Poses of Facebook" over at 2b1b. If not, do so. It's hilarious. Currently I'm rocking the "I love my girlfriend (wife) Shot". Well I shut up.

Anyway, I can't help but talk about another ridiculous trend that seems to have started because everyone and their mother has a digital camera and a Facebook account now. It's a pose that's been plaguing the pages of Facebook photo albums for years now: The Sorority Squat.


Alright, you look like idiot hookers. Amirite or Amirite? I mean, I ALMOST get it when there are two rows of people in a group picture. When you're in an open area with a wide open back ground, though, you're an idiot if you're in this pose. It just doesn't make sense. Look at the first three pictures above again. Why in the world would you squat for any of these pictures? I especially like the picture with the guy standing upright and the girls all squating. Just further proof that this is XX chromosome specific.

I'd say it's probably 98% femailes who partake in this pose. I can't imagine watching a butch of Rugby playing dudes lean in and squish their man boobs together for a group picture. I mean, that's all you ladies are doing, right? It's a sad attempt to show off your boobs. I'm not going to be convinced otherwise, so don't even try. Also, if you're wearing a skirt and squating, you know what is going to show. Stop being slooty.

There are other types of group pictures that seem retarded to me too. Why the hell do people feel the need to take a group picture every time they're all in the same place anyway? I don't exactly get the whole idea of saying, "Alright! Everyone get together so we can get a group picture on this sidewalk!" "YEAH THIS WILL BE AWESOME!" "BE SURE TO TAG EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK LATER!" "OMG I MADE A FUNNY FACE LET ME SEE!" "MAN I LOOK SO DUMB, HAHAHA!"

Tell me you can look at that picture and not see the above dialogue taking place. This picture pretty much has every typical person in every typical pose ever overused for Facebook/Myspace.

From Left to Right:
-Teeny Bopper chick throwing a gang sign: check
-Angry guy shooting the finger: check
-Normal smiling person: check
-Guy looking off into the distance like he wasn't prepared for the picture: check
-Girl with face that says, "HEY, PICTURE!": check
-Tongue out & peace signs: double check
-Mr. Serious Face: check
-Thumbs up for a good time: check

Anyone want to bet that 2-3 years ago all these kids were saying they were "straight edge" (XXX 'TIL DEATH!!!!) and now they all smoke, drink, do each other on a nightly basis? Sheep.

Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is...nothing really. Group pictures used to feel much more...needed...before the whole digital camera/facebook picture craze, though.

I can only think of a few times when it is necessary to take a group picture. They are as follows:

Sports team pic:

Family Reunion:

By the way, how awesomely patriotic is this family? USA! USA! USA! Also got to give a shout out to the couple wearing photo print t-shirts in the back center. High fives all around.

Wedding group picture:

There are others of course. But I just really think the over use of the group picture is getting a little out of hand. So, stop squating, leaning in, and throwing up gang signs. Stand up straight and look like normal members of society.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about my favorite group picture of them all...

The Corgi Group Picture:

Can't beat that. Not now. Not ever.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Oh yeah, it's that time of year. The time of year where government agencies decide it's too warm for the heat, but not warm enough for the AC. Well, that is, unless you work where I work and the regulation states, "There will be a 45 day period between the time in which the heat is turned off for the season and the Air Conditioning is turn on." Yup.

However, if you're even more special, and you're me (of course) you'll end up working in a building that was erected (hehe) during WW2 that uses radiator heating. Someone decided that the highest setting wasn't high enough on the radiator at the main entrance of the building, so they decided to

...kick it up a notch.....


and ended up breaking the damn radiator. So now, the radiator is broken on full blast and constantly puts out heat of about 95 degrees. Not only is it constantly putting out heat, but it also is emitting an open spark which could potentially burn this 80 year old building (coated in lead paint and filled to the rafters with asbestos) to the ground in a matter of minutes. With the amount of smokers who work here, and decide that rules don't apply to them, that spark is within 15 feet of an open flame 3-5 times a day at least....comforting.

I can't help but bitch (mostly because of the heat) about the huge double standard that is going on in offices across this nation. Men get screwed during the Spring/Summer months by not be allowed to dress comfortably.

Exhibit A:

Look at the lady first. She looks wonderful. So elegant. So comfortable. Her hair is even blowing in a slight breeze. Her skirt is short enough to let in a breeze once in a while to keep things cool and her sleeves are of equal comfy length. Looking at her, you could almost place her in any setting. She could go anywhere while wearing something like that and no one would care.

Now, look at the guy. His life sucks. He is wearing a button up shirt, most likely with some form of an undershirt to prevent the sweat pond from forming around his sweat zones and then onto his dress shirt. He is wearing PANTS and I'm sure there are dress socks pulled up as high as they'll go to be sure he doesn't look like a slob. He is blazing hot and the most comforting thing he can do is roll up his sleeves and maybe undo one button. More times than not, he is probably also wearing a tie but it was probably "casual" Friday for him. THIS IS NOT CASUAL.

If a girl can wear this.... work, I should be able to wear this...

...only, you know, a lot less queer.

Thank you.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Shit face.

I had a meet and greet this morning with all the new people arriving to my organiztion from the past couple months. Why do these have to be so painful? First off, I HATE office humor. Not like humor that is from "The Office", but when people at the office try to make jokes relating to the office. Ugh with ugh flavored sprinkles on top. I also have the worst fake laugh in the history of mankind. I've been told I laugh at everything and that's because I really do have an extremely broad sense of humor. However, when unfunny people TRY to be funny, it just doesn't work and I have no desire to entertain you with a sympathy laugh. Usually I'll come with something that sounds a little like, "haaeeeaaaahhh". Yeah, like that.

Anyway, moving on. I had to listen to people say things like, "Welcome to my palace!" as I walked up to the building that was sort of ridiculously big. I get inside to the conference room we're sitting in and there is Dunkin Donuts galore. My boss bought everyone like 3 tubs of coffee, 4 boxes of donuts, and box of 100 munchkins. My boss is pretty awesome, so I'll give her that. My co-workers though, are not awesome. They ran for those treats like pigs going for slop. THEN this one lady, who is way too old to know better and probably hasn't seen her feet this decade, kept getting up in the middle of our boss talking to us to get more donuts! What is wrong with people? She then proceeded to put 4-5 munchkins (donut holes) into her coffee and let them soak for like 5 minutes. When she took a bite, ALL I could do was sit there with my mouth wide open like when someone tells you that a bird shit on their head. Good God.

I basically just sat there and watched this lady for the rest of the meeting. I realized something interesting about her as she was sitting there trying to act like she was taking notes on what was being said. I know she was pretending, because no word has 3000 letter Os in it. Anyway, this lady has what I like to call a shit face. You know that face that people make in movies when they're taking a crap? Basically close one eye, scrunch your nose up really tight, and say, "Arrrrrgh" and you've got it nailed. The only thing different, is that's just her face. She will always look like that. Even when she dies, people will probably say, "Is she crapping in her casket?" It's awful. It is definitely one of those faces that you just can't help but stare at though, you know? Later, about an hour of me watching her from across the room, she started to twitch her face around like there was a small animal trapped under her skin trying to get out.

I forced myself to doodle ways to kill myself for the remained of the meeting to keep occupied. The guy who is my mentor saw my doodles and was like, "Um...what are you drawing?" I told him and he just laughed at me, so that's good. He is still probably wondering if I'm suicidal. Too many more meetings like that and I might possibly become so.