Lately I've been flying a lot. Like at least 1 round trip flight every other week or so. It's madness. I don't get nervous of flying, even though I hadn't really flow before a couple years ago when I went to Panama (country) for spring break. That was a pretty decent flight though because I knew I wouldn't be sitting beside anyone I didn't know because me and 2 of my roommates got our seats beside each other. However, now, everytime I fly, I feel as though I'm planning a lottery where no one ever wins.
The way I see it, these are my top 10 worst possible scenarios that can play out when you're flying solo and you're going to end up sitting beside people you don't know.
1. the way too friendly wants to talk about everything type. This one actually isn't all that bad if the flight is short and they don't have bad breath. However, God forbid your flight be any longer than an hour and a half. By the end of the flight you'll know the names of everyone in their family, what they do for a living, why they're flying that day, the amount of times they've flown, how many different places they've flown, and they'll expect you to share all that information back to them.
2. we have the I'm foreign and can't understand anything you're saying neighbor. Come on, you sat there and listened to the flight attendant give you instructions and even responded when she asked you to put your seat up and you're going to act like you don't know what I'm saying when I ask you to just move your foot over a little bit? Another thing, American's don't like to be touched. It's just the way we are. Stopping leaning up against me when you go to adjust your ass position because I don't appreciate it. Stop invading my zone before my fist invades your face. Yeah.
3. the parent with too many children. I understand that you have your hands full, but seriously, do everyone a favor and drive next time. Your kids are annoying. They're loud, they kick the back of peoples' seats and if I have to hear you say to little Timmy one more time, "I'm going to pop you if you don't sit down and be a good boy" I might just pop you. Teach your kids how to be respectful members of society before booking a flight. If you know that they can't handle sitting still for more then 2-3 hours, don't fly.
4. the child of the parent with too many children. Sure they're cute for about 5 minutes. Then they start asking you questions that you aren't comfortable answering because you don't know the family and accidently kicking you and pointing at stuff you don't care about. Someone get this kid some liquor please. Thanks.
5. the FAT GUY. Oh my God. You know what, if I'm so big that I can barely squeeze my ass in between the arm rests of a coach seat, I'm probably going to step up and by a first class seat. I know it might more expensive, but hey at least you'll get free snacks and stuff. This guy completely takes the option of getting the arm rest out of the equation because you're going to be hugging yourself for the next couple hours. That's right, I love me...I love me.
6. the smelly guy. Did you take a shower this morning? yesterday? this week? month? What the f*ck dude. I'm not going to lie, there are days where I decide, screw it, I haven't done anything all day today so I'm not going to shower, I'll just take one as soon as I get up tomorrow. The day that I'm about to be packed into a small area with 100-200 other people and not be able to get away from anything that smells will not be the day I choose to do this. Another thing, chew some gum. When you fall asleep and you start doing that head leaned over with an open mouth and breathing on my shoulder thing, it makes me want to vomit. My shoulder doesn't act as a shield to your horrendous breath, instead it becomes a perfect deflector that deflects what appears to be onions, ketchup, fish, and polo sport(?) straight into my face. The gum will not only freshen your breath, but it'll keep your ears from clogging when we take off and land.
7. The cutesy couple who can't be apart for more then 10 seconds. This usually only happens when there are 3 seats on each side of the place. You'll usually get the window seat in this situation so you can't lean away from the couple that makes you want kill yourself. Sure they'll start out with just a hand hold. But then that turns into an arm over the shoulder, and then a light kiss on the neck or cheek, and then it's on. Please stop, the lady with 4 kids is having a hard enough time controlling her off spring and I don't want her to have to explain why your kissing each other everywhere and your hand is between her legs.
8. The business guy. This dude isn't so bad I guess. They usually have flown enough to know all the different types and they probably realize that they're this type themselves. They don't want to talk to you anymore than, "Excuse me." The only thing about this type is that they have to be on their laptop as soon as the it's ok to use electronics announcement comes on. Take a break, dude, watch 3 Ninjas with me and try to relax.
9. The lady with the dog. I've actually only seen this happen once. Once was enough. Yes your dog is pretty cute. Yes I like dogs. No if you want to take him out for a minute that is fine with me. Okay your dog is shitting on the floor and now it stinks. Also, are you two wearing the same patterned jacket? Wow, that's dedication.
10. The really really really really really really old person. Look, I like old people as much as the next guy but for real? Your family sucks if they're making you fly across the country so that you can come see them. I swear, if I make it to be like 85 I will not leave my house. I'm going to be a complete shut in and I will make people come see me. I'll probably have seen enough of the world by then to know that I don't really like the vast majority of the people on this planet and why would I want to be stuck on a plane for 2-3 hours with any of the above mentioned people.
I've yet to sit beside someone who doesn't fall into one of the above mentioned categories. I'm flying out tonight though and hopefully I'll get to sit beside the one other normal person on the plane who just wants to get from point A to point B with as few interactions as possible.
Thanks, and enjoy your flight.